3 Simple Steps to Avoid Eclipse Madness

1. Don’t Stare Directly at the Dark Side of the Moon

Most sunlight is blocked by the moon, but some particles still make it through. They’re normally harmless, but on their journey through the core of the Moon, they pick up harmful Micrions and become charged with Frenetistatic Energy. It’s very dangerous, so avoid it if you can. Of course, we all know you can’t.

2. Don’t Stand Still under the Shadow of the Moon for Too Long

I suggest running. The Frenetistatic Energy can’t hurt you if it can’t catch you. So run like you’ve never run before. But you can’t run that fast forever—or even two and a half minutes—because, let’s face it, you’re out of shape. So, as you collapse, chest heaving, legs aching, just wiggle your finger or something. It won’t do any good, but it couldn’t hurt, could it?

3. Embrace the Pain the Madness Brings

It’s part of your life now, until the unholy children of the moon finally crawl back into the shadowy void from whence they came and the sun shines full once more. You’ll still hear them sometimes in the middle of the darkest nights, when the sun is far away. During the next New Moon, their whispers may be nigh unbearable. Just remember: earplugs, Herbal Tea and high quality restraints help a lot. Draw the curtains, lock the basement door, and wait out the sleepless night with the rest of us.

Bonus Step:

If you have already been afflicted with the Madness, I recommend a team of at least three or four close friends to restrain you for the duration of the eclipse. These friends will have to be strong willed and unafraid of vicious biting or clawing. They should also be current on all available vaccines.

Published by jms_hffsttlr

Writer, Photographer

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